Well though I am no longer feeling dry and broken, I'm still a little sad and lonely. I've discovered that I just do not like change period. Change is one of the many things that bring out the "yucky" in my heart. As I say good-bye to old staff members and welcome in the new ones, I've found that it gets harder instead of easier. I thought that since we did all of this craziness last year that it wouldn't be as hard this year. After Amy & Amy left, and Melissa and Laurie moved in ..... it was hard to accept new people at first but Melissa and Laurie were just so awesome that they had no problems filling the empty spaces in our office. But now Melissa and Laurie are leaving, and 4 new people are taking their spots. I won't see as much of them as I did the others, and things won't be as personal as they were before .. but something just doesn't feel right about the whole deal. I still haven't said all that I need to say to Melissa ... I keep meaning to write an email, but I never find the time. I've seen her a couple of times since she left, and each time we had to leave again it was a tug on both our hearts. Anyway, things will work out eventually. I will get into my groove again sooner or later .. but until then I just have to keep pushing through all the crap.

It's not just change at work that is getting to me either. Change in friends, change in family, and even change within myself is driving me crazy.

Friends grow up, go to college, make new friends, move on in life ... and though we once thought we'd be friends forever, and that no amount of distance could seperate us, it seems our ideas on all of that have changed as well. I'm great at telling other people about how God puts people into our lives for a reason, and even though we may think they will be there for a lifetime, He may not have those same plans in mind. Maybe they are there for 1 day, or maybe 1 year, or maybe some friendships really do last a life time ..... but in most cases people grow up, move on, make new friends, start new families, and we are left with nothing more than photographs and memories .. maybe the occasional phone call, letter, or email, but nothing like it was before. But I'm horriable at taking my own words to heart.

Change ... the 6 letter word that brings out the "yucky" in my heart. blah. I'm still trying to understand it all. But it seems like the more I try, the less I understand.

Anyway, I think I'll go for now. I'll talk to you people later!

*Luvs
Jackie



" I was so unique Now I feel skin deep I count on the make-up to cover it all Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention I thought I could be strong But it's killing me Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me Fighting to make the mirror happy Trying to find whatever is missing Won't you help me back to glory "